Just After Independence Day!

I said I was on vacation, but I hate not posting, so here's something. For the last and upcoming posts, remember the words 'satire' and 'parody', okay?
-Elliot

An undercover government agent, referred to here as Mr. Georges, astonished the country Wednesday when he broke into a government building to test the security in place. While undercover, Mr. Georges and his fellow agents not only succeeded in breaking into the undisclosed location, but proceeded to build a MacGyver-esque bomb in the bathroom. (They then proceeded to not blow anything up.) How did Mr. Georges and friends accomplish this feat? What does it mean for the security of our nation?

"While I cannot tell you what building we broke into, I can tell you that government buildings are riddled with security issues. I can also tell you how we broke in. The guy at the entrance, well, a kid who's an intern pretended to need to know about his job for school or something. Secretly, me and my buddies, we had filled his water bottle with powdered zolpidem. And we just waited for him to overdose himself, whilst learning a lot about our government! When that entrance guy was out [laughs] we all brought out the blow darts. (Probably hearkening back to Mr. Georges' days breaking up rowdy children's parties) After picking off all the key officers, we were able to shoot the rest of them. Once we got to the bathroom, we used the explosive properties of urinal cakes to build a bomb, a lot of people don't know this, along with paperclips, rubberbands, and sugarfree gum from the upstairs offices..."

Solo Career FAIL

An excerpt from the blog of father and failed singer-songwriter, Mr. Arizona, who has been trying in vain to launch a career in the shadow of his famous kids, the Arizona sisters:

"...I've been watching the news more recently. (Because those network bureaucrats cancelled "My Name Is Earl"! Join my Myspace group to help bring it back!!) And what is with celebrities dropping dead? One of my three talented daughters, Stacy, (who, as you know, is also a telephone psychic) has suggested that God is sick of our stars, and is planning to scrap the whole notion of fame and the famous and start over. Like the flood. Again, she's a gifted, gifted kid, but I can't be sure whether she was joking. In the event that she's serious, consider this an endtime prophecy. Stacy really is a special kid. But regardless, I've noticed that dead celebrities are getting a lot of attention. People latch onto this whole tragedy thing. It's no secret that dead people are better musicians than they ever were alive! So I'm wondering if that might be the sort of career push I need: 'Yeah, you might remember those three kid pop stars, but of course you remember their father died tragically, a really horrible death! Such a talented, talented, but ill-fated man.'..."

A Separate Peace

It sure beats Sparknotes.

Note: Daily entries will cease temporarily beginning tomorrow, as I will be on vacation. However, a whole bunch will be posted when I get back.

Multiple Choice:
A Separate Peace:
A) A meaningful meditation on the nature of human evil (and adolescence).
B) Practically gay lit. The back of the book reads just like a romance novel's!
C) A near-classic bildungsroman that more kids should read.
D) You think I remember high school?

Red Wall

The Metamorphosis

Multiple Choice:
Kafka, that's...
A) masterpieces of literature from a genius.
B) boring, verbose stuff from some miserable guy.
C) ...who's that?
D) eh, whatever.

Guilty George

When I was a kid, I used to read these (pretty sick if you think about it) scary story books about such things as decapitated heads falling down the chimney, making soup out of corpses' toes, and random cabins where blood drips down the walls. Anyway, this reminds me of one of those stories where a butcher made people into hotdogs. (The idea really came from driving by Burger King and noticing that there was only one person eating there.)

Multiple Choice:
Scary story books like that:
A) are entertaining, about things that kids find interesting.
B) make kids morbid and we can see that plainly here.
C) were really fun when I was growing up.
D) creep me out!

Tragic Tale of a Streetkid

This is what I think of when I pass an empty lot with a disgusting water-filled hole.