Just After Independence Day!

I said I was on vacation, but I hate not posting, so here's something. For the last and upcoming posts, remember the words 'satire' and 'parody', okay?
-Elliot

An undercover government agent, referred to here as Mr. Georges, astonished the country Wednesday when he broke into a government building to test the security in place. While undercover, Mr. Georges and his fellow agents not only succeeded in breaking into the undisclosed location, but proceeded to build a MacGyver-esque bomb in the bathroom. (They then proceeded to not blow anything up.) How did Mr. Georges and friends accomplish this feat? What does it mean for the security of our nation?

"While I cannot tell you what building we broke into, I can tell you that government buildings are riddled with security issues. I can also tell you how we broke in. The guy at the entrance, well, a kid who's an intern pretended to need to know about his job for school or something. Secretly, me and my buddies, we had filled his water bottle with powdered zolpidem. And we just waited for him to overdose himself, whilst learning a lot about our government! When that entrance guy was out [laughs] we all brought out the blow darts. (Probably hearkening back to Mr. Georges' days breaking up rowdy children's parties) After picking off all the key officers, we were able to shoot the rest of them. Once we got to the bathroom, we used the explosive properties of urinal cakes to build a bomb, a lot of people don't know this, along with paperclips, rubberbands, and sugarfree gum from the upstairs offices..."

Solo Career FAIL

An excerpt from the blog of father and failed singer-songwriter, Mr. Arizona, who has been trying in vain to launch a career in the shadow of his famous kids, the Arizona sisters:

"...I've been watching the news more recently. (Because those network bureaucrats cancelled "My Name Is Earl"! Join my Myspace group to help bring it back!!) And what is with celebrities dropping dead? One of my three talented daughters, Stacy, (who, as you know, is also a telephone psychic) has suggested that God is sick of our stars, and is planning to scrap the whole notion of fame and the famous and start over. Like the flood. Again, she's a gifted, gifted kid, but I can't be sure whether she was joking. In the event that she's serious, consider this an endtime prophecy. Stacy really is a special kid. But regardless, I've noticed that dead celebrities are getting a lot of attention. People latch onto this whole tragedy thing. It's no secret that dead people are better musicians than they ever were alive! So I'm wondering if that might be the sort of career push I need: 'Yeah, you might remember those three kid pop stars, but of course you remember their father died tragically, a really horrible death! Such a talented, talented, but ill-fated man.'..."

A Separate Peace

It sure beats Sparknotes.

Note: Daily entries will cease temporarily beginning tomorrow, as I will be on vacation. However, a whole bunch will be posted when I get back.

Multiple Choice:
A Separate Peace:
A) A meaningful meditation on the nature of human evil (and adolescence).
B) Practically gay lit. The back of the book reads just like a romance novel's!
C) A near-classic bildungsroman that more kids should read.
D) You think I remember high school?

Red Wall

The Metamorphosis

Multiple Choice:
Kafka, that's...
A) masterpieces of literature from a genius.
B) boring, verbose stuff from some miserable guy.
C) ...who's that?
D) eh, whatever.

Guilty George

When I was a kid, I used to read these (pretty sick if you think about it) scary story books about such things as decapitated heads falling down the chimney, making soup out of corpses' toes, and random cabins where blood drips down the walls. Anyway, this reminds me of one of those stories where a butcher made people into hotdogs. (The idea really came from driving by Burger King and noticing that there was only one person eating there.)

Multiple Choice:
Scary story books like that:
A) are entertaining, about things that kids find interesting.
B) make kids morbid and we can see that plainly here.
C) were really fun when I was growing up.
D) creep me out!

Tragic Tale of a Streetkid

This is what I think of when I pass an empty lot with a disgusting water-filled hole.

Leftover Fireworks

Third entry, over twelve hours later than the other two! Wow...

Multiple Choice:

Fireworks:

A) are dangerous explosives that should be illegal for all except professionals.

B) are beautiful, a fun way to celebrate!

C) are spectacular the first time you see them, but subsequent displays are more or less the same.

D) belong in Disneyworld. I know somebody who lost an eye to the darn things.

Ramona Arizona(!)

I'm not attacking the public figure; I'm attacking the hysteria. At least that's what I tell myself so I can sleep at night thinking I only pick on people my own size.

Change of Scenery

Autumnal

Happy Fourth of July! It really snuck up on me. I didn't realize yesterday was the 3rd until the evening. Then I realized that 4 comes after 3. Imagine that. So it's a holiday and all that jazz.

***Imaginary high five plus an imaginary cookie if you understand the musical references in this comic.

Failing to Appreciate the Possibilities

Self-deprecating humor: It is:

A) funny! It shows you don't take yourself too seriously.

B) alright, but don't go nuts with it. Make fun of other stuff too.

C) unhealthy and unfunny. Self-centered jokes exclude the rest of the world.

D) indicative of low self-esteem. Quit making fun of yourself, you loser.

Excuse me while I go dig up the latest research on the science of humor. I'm going to google it.

UPDATE: Wikipedia tells me it's all good so long as everyone knows it's a joke. And Wikipedia is an infallible source for guidance of all kinds.

Bleach

I know what you're wondering. And yes, at some point in the near future, E.'s head will turn into a pumpkin head for an unspecified amount of time since his new skull face already resembles a jack-o'-lantern.

Surreal humor: It is...
A) funny due to its randomness.
B) stupid. Just stupid.
C) too trippy.
D) something only Brits should do.

Anyone know anything about setting up a little poll on the blog for these important questions?

Vengeance of Philip and the Rat Warriors

Good times, good times. Since I haven't mentioned it in a while, I feel the need to note that the stick figure is E., which stands for Elliot. I labeled it with an arrow a while back, but have since abandoned the practice.

Rodent Warriors(!)

And there you have it.

Philip vs. E.

I broke the three-entry-per-day rule and posted four today. Oops. That means there will only be two entries tomorrow, unless I break the rule again and post three.

Moral Guidance: Binding someone's wrists with your optic nerves and strangling them with their own intestines is generally not a nice thing to do. Unless they write crappy young adult fiction.

Killing Everyone Off

I really hate to end the day's entries on this note (the next comic picks up where this one left off) but I'm trying to keep a schedule of three a day.

Offing Seymour

Oceanic Abyss

New Semi-Permanent, Temporary Direction

I'm not lazy. I swear. Okay, I'm not doing it this way just because I'm lazy.

Meta-Void, Again

Return to the Meta-Void

Jeopardy

Gotta love random article.

The Perils of Pizza

Negativity growing every day. Pity.

In the Mysterious Meta-Void

If you click to enlarge this picture, you might notice that the stick figure is faded in the second panel. I'll have you know that this has nothing to do with the quality of the photograph. Instead, cristicism is causing the author-character to fade.

False Awakenings

You probably should click the image to view it better. But that's just a suggestion. Whatever floats your boat.

Do Not Question the Prophet

Family Stories

Family Trees

Philip summarizes the characters for you.

Garbage Day

Old Tricks, New Cult

Introducing Philip

And there you have it.

Family Bonding

The Everpresent 'Or'

If you think this one's quite a downer, you should look harder for the absurdities in Ozzy's statements.

Sweet Dreams

I am aware that I spelled 'subconscious' wrong. What's strange is, I knew that you need sci in subconscious. It means knowing, like in science. Now why would I spell it wrong then?

Let's go with artistic license and stick to that story.

The Importance of Opportunistic Seating

You may need to enlarge the image to read it. Sorry, but it had to be three wider panels.

Ozzy Teaches You Art History

Herman Loves a Morbid Pun

A Completely Ordinary Interrogation

Psychotic Seymour

Hint: Only teddy bears bleed stuffing.

School Woes

Introducing Herman, an aquaintance of Clara.

New Medication

Whatever the doctor says goes.

Ozzy needs his sleep, so a drugged stupor is better than nothing.

Click to enlarge if you can't read it. Not everyone is gifted with hawk genes. Few can harness the raptor's optical prowess as I.

The Sound of Music

Ozzy discovers that some people are genuinely happy.

Seymour's Support Group Must've Cancelled

Check out the change in format. Hopefully this will work better with the blog. It's pretty awesome that you can actually read it without clicking to enlarge. So no death threats necessary at this time.

But the time will come...

Mysteries of Incarceration

Poor, poor Clara. But if any of those other possibilities were true, this would be a charming Pixar film, not a webcomic. Oh, and Clara failed to mention that old standby: throwing a baby down a well. And its modern equivalent: the funny smelling garbage bag in the dumpster.

Mood Swings and Monologuing

I invite you kindly to click on the above image in order to better view it in a (slightly) less unsightly manner, as will be protocol until further notice. I personally apologize for the disappointing quality of these images. (I will not apologize for the disappointing humor. Deal.) I won't waste your time with excuses. (My scanner no work! Pity me!)

Thank you sincerely for your cooperation in this matter.

Morning Existential Fun for Ozzy

I beg you to click the image for a larger view. You will have to do this until I get the format all figured out. In return for your cooperation, I will not grind your bones to make doughnuts at this time.

However good warm doughnuts would be right now. A delicious morning snack, once you get past the mini suicidal crisis.